I am an extremely private person, and two nights ago, right before I climbed into bed, I was thinking about how much I struggle to share anything about myself. This haiku popped, fully formed, into my head.
How many layers
Must you be buried under
Before you feel safe?
I struggle with blogging. Apparently this is common to many fiction writers: we spend so much time in our heads, listening to our characters and writing their thoughts and feelings, that when it comes to trying to write ‘in our own voices’, we stutter and fall silent.
I don’t enjoy talking about myself. I hate sharing any personal information. Sometimes I think that if I never had to tell anyone anything ever again, that would make me very happy. So when it comes to blogging – i. e. sharing my opinions and thoughts – I shrivel. Besides, I didn’t start this blog to talk about myself: I started it to talk about my work.
But …
But actually, that’s not quite true. One of my intentions with this blog was that I would use it to say things. To share my opinions and say things that I deem important. And are not my opinions part of my work? Can a writer not write about anything they wish to?
But then, who cares about my opinions? Sometimes even I don’t care to listen to my opinions; why would anyone else?
In fact, it’s entirely possible that no one is reading or will ever read this blog. So I could share any and all of my opinions, or none at all, and it would make no difference.
But the very fact that someone could read them, – might, someday, read them, – is scary. And I ask myself, Why?
Are you so afraid of being judged that you’ll say nothing? Imagine if every great person of history had felt that way. Where is your courage, G. Wulfing? Why do anything at all if you are so afraid of being judged and criticised by people?
Will you stay silent forever?
How many layers – how much security – how safe does the world have to be before you’ll risk sharing an opinion?
The world is not safe. It never will be while you live. And courage does not lie in being safe. Courage lies in the heart of fear: it is fear that gives courage meaning: without fear, courage does not exist, for courage is the defiance of fear.
I have so many fears. I have always been a very fearful person.
Fear keeps us small. Keeps us dead. Keeps us from trying anything.
And a lesson I have learned over and over from my dear friends, stories, is that heroes are made when fear is defied.
If I wish to be anything other than small and dead, I must look my fear in the eye and defy it.
Here’s to future blog posts.
